I haven't posted recently because I simply haven't known what to write. I started bleeding a few days before my BFN and thinking that it was all over, I googled furiously, and there were posts saying that people had bled before taking the test and they still got a BFP at the end of it. But wasn't to be for us. TBH, it didn't feel like I was going to get a BFP; i pretty much knew the result before I took the test. I had taken that day off work as i didn't want to be in work whatever the result. DH was at home anyway as he has not been working since June last year.
As soon as i got the BFN, I went straight to my GP and explained that I almost certainly needed to go on anti-depressants as while i was still in the 'numb' stage, I feared that my thoughts would soon go into a death-spiral, and I was anxious to avoid that if at all possible. The death-spiral thoughts have been plaguing me for around two years now, effectively since we got the bad news about baby no2; they manifest themselves by insomnia from 3am-5am, and my thoughts are negative in the extreme. I had hoped that seven months off and therapy would help, and while it did help to some extent, it wasn't enough on its own. The thoughts would normally lift once i got myself out of bed and off to work, but getting out of bed when you are in that mind-set was getting increasingly hard. I should probably have been on anti-ds ever since we got the bad news about baby 2, but I had held out. Now that we got our BFN from PGD2, I knew that would be the only option. They have definitely helped, and my thoughts have been more controlled and not as negative as they could be.
However, having said all that, I did have a breakdown on Saturday morning. DH told me that my SIL2 has had her first baby, so that's three babies on DH's side now from his two brothers. His cousins also have three babies now and I'm sure there are plenty more to come. Anyway, I had a total meltdown. I really don't think I can do this anymore; I've had my fill.
