Mother's Day, Egg Donation and After Tiller

It seems fitting to post on Mother's Day. When you're not a mother and want to be, the whole day is a bit of a downer. I saw my own mother, but stayed well away from the BILs and SILs, principally because they are so unbearably smug, at least to me. 

Anyway, on Thursday DH & I went to a clinic in London that is one of two clinics setting up an 'egg bank'. While I'm told they are still some way off from actually having a reserve of frozen eggs on tap, they did say that the HFEA's increased payments to potential egg donors means that a lot more women are now willing to donate, and that they no longer have a waiting list. I think we are still keen on trying the UK first, simply because it's easier in terms of travelling and secondly that at least the child has the option of being able to trace their genetic mother when they are 18. However, it does seem extraordinarily expensive. It's going to be much more expensive than PGD. The basic cost, at least with this clinic, is £8,800, and by the sounds of it you can easily end up spending £12/15k on just one cycle, depending on all the 'extras' you may need. Gulp. 

In terms of a match, I would rather have a lady who looks like me as much as possible, but you really are in their hands in terms of who they ultimately pick. In terms of timing, because I am still recovering from TFMR No3 (I can't believe I typed those words) , I need to wait at least two periods before starting anything, which sounds sensible. Given my irregular cycles, this probably means that we are looking at June before starting anything. So that will be half of 2014 gone already, and we will still be no closer to having a family than when we started in 2007. Ho hum. 

On another note, I watched After Tiller the other day. If you haven't heard of it, it's a documentary about the doctors in the US who carry out late pregnancy terminations. Because of the ire that abortion causes in the US, there are only four doctors who carry out the procedure in the whole country. It's very, very odd for me to think that a subject as deeply controversial as a late-term abortion is now part of my own personal experience. Before I was just a spectator - it was a topic that had nothing to do with me but I could pass an opinion - but today it's a topic that effectively defines me. It's a big part of the reason why this blog is anonymous - would it be safe for me to known? It's probably not worth the risk. 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/after-tiller/id796532325

The baby was UBT

I got a call from the genetics team. The analysis of our baby's chromosomes did show that they were unbalanced. I forgot to ask if it was a boy or a girl. I haven't cried at all since the scan, but the past couple of days have been very hard, as if I am wading through syrup. Work has been totally unproductive and it is glaringly noticeable among my colleagues, I'm sure. Yesterday I rang one of London's leading clinics ( read expensive) to enquire about egg donation. I have an appointment next Thursday afternoon. Our options for egg donation seem to be a) go via a clinic and hope you can take part in an egg share b) go via an agency to find an altruistic donor and c) go abroad, typically to Spain or Cyprus. I'm going to try the clinic route first and see what they say. I'd rather, if we go the donor route, stay in the UK, as then any child would be able to trace their genetic mother at the age of 18. Going anywhere else in Europe would mean that the child would never be able to find out about its mother, as donation is totally anonymous. I was reading through the posts on http://anonymousus.org, and basically it's lots of donor children who are extremely hacked off at having coming into the world this way. So I wouldn't go the anonymous route lightly, if at all. Anyway, it's all theory for now - I'll update next on what this clinic say (£180 later).

The inevitable news

Prior to having the scan and CVS, these were my fears: 1) I was frightened that the baby would already have abnormalities that would make a CVS redundant, 2) I was frightened that the baby might already be dead 3) that I wasn't pregnant at all and the whole thing had been my imagination. Apart from absent periods, I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms - nausea etc - although this is just like my previous pregnancies. 

We were both hoping that the baby would look normal for that stage of the pregnancy and that we'd go into the CVS with some hope. 

However, it has not turned out to be. I am currently 11wks and have just returned from the hospital. The baby is covered in hydrops/oedema (it's like a halo around him/her and the nuchal is 6mm. Our poor little baby. We went ahead with the CVS anyway, but knowing full well what the results are going to show. We know there's no hope, and we've already told the hospital of our decision. I should be scheduled in for Tuesday or Wenesday. 

Sorry to give you all this bad news. I rolled the dice, played with the fire and got burnt. 

I promised DH from the outset that I wouldn't be the mess I was after the first two times and I don't think I will be. I'm going to take the whole of next week off work or see if I can work from home for when necessary. Then our next decision is whether to tell our families. Apart from me, DH and you, my online friends, no-one knows about this pg. I may tell my sis and test the water about telling my parents. Who knows, we will take our time deciding. Anyway, that's it for now.