Article from Independent - impact of miscarriage

Here's a link to a really well-written article on the impact of miscarriage. I can relate so much to her feelings.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/miscarriage-the-loneliest-grief-of-all-1516750.html

De Novo

Just found out that I am 'de novo' - in other words, my parents have been tested, and neither of them have a balanced translocation. So I am a one-off. Or as I also put it, I'm like a mutant from X-Men, just without any special powers!

Back to work after 7 months

So, I took the plunge, and now I'm back at work. No phased return, full-time straight away. It's probably a bit unwise, but i'd got to the stage where being at home was doing me more harm than good. In all, it's been a grand total of seven months away. I was lucky, as I was entitled to 10 'keeping in touch' days where I could go into the office without affecting my leave, and it helped build up my confidence, which had largely vanished. And another good thing about being back to work - I'm still very depressed, but that's fine at my workplace at least - come across as happy and they'll think something is wrong with you!

Christmas & New Year - tough to get through

Christmas and New Year have been much harder to get through than I anticipated. My husband and I alternate Christmases with our families, and I was so relieved that this year it's our turn to spend it with my family. There are no babies in our family, while there are now three in my husband's. However, just before Christmas, my mother told me that one of my cousins is pregnant. This came totally out of the blue for me. I don't know why it should be, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mother told me as she couldn't bear to tell me herself. She was herself a twin, with a sister who didn't survive the birth. She only found out in her late teens/early 20s when she found some paperwork relating to the fact that she had a sister she knew nothing about. It must have been a massive shock and i think she took it quite badly, unsurprisingly. On Christmas day itself, I said nothing. We didn't talk and I stayed away from her as much as possible. What I was feeling was my very insides twisting with pain. Christmas day was also my birthday. I went to bed feeling utterly wretched. What etiquette is there to negotiate the social interactions of one woman who has given birth to two dead babies and a woman who is happily expecting her first? There is none. I woke up the next morning and sobbed in the bed. I went to bed that night and got up and cried again. It was 2am. I cried again the next day. I guess it didn't help that I overheard my grandmother say how pleased she's going to be a great grandmother at last. That was meant to be my priviledge.