Monday, 2 January 2012

Christmas & New Year - tough to get through

Christmas and New Year have been much harder to get through than I anticipated. My husband and I alternate Christmases with our families, and I was so relieved that this year it's our turn to spend it with my family. There are no babies in our family, while there are now three in my husband's. However, just before Christmas, my mother told me that one of my cousins is pregnant. This came totally out of the blue for me. I don't know why it should be, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mother told me as she couldn't bear to tell me herself. She was herself a twin, with a sister who didn't survive the birth. She only found out in her late teens/early 20s when she found some paperwork relating to the fact that she had a sister she knew nothing about. It must have been a massive shock and i think she took it quite badly, unsurprisingly. On Christmas day itself, I said nothing. We didn't talk and I stayed away from her as much as possible. What I was feeling was my very insides twisting with pain. Christmas day was also my birthday. I went to bed feeling utterly wretched. What etiquette is there to negotiate the social interactions of one woman who has given birth to two dead babies and a woman who is happily expecting her first? There is none. I woke up the next morning and sobbed in the bed. I went to bed that night and got up and cried again. It was 2am. I cried again the next day. I guess it didn't help that I overheard my grandmother say how pleased she's going to be a great grandmother at last. That was meant to be my priviledge.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you had such a tough Christmas! Holidays can be the worst when you are grieving. It is so hard to see others who are just happy for themselves when you are feeling devastated. Hugs! I hope this year will be a good one for you.

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    1. Hi Futuremom, thanks so much for your post. I'm glad we got that particular period out of the way. Thanks again for your thoughts.

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  2. Hi Anon. I found your blog and am so happy I did. I am also a TFMR mom and, though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, am glad there are others out there who feel my pain.
    I wish you good luck on your IVF journey and continued healing from the loss of your two boys.

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    1. Hi Lizzy, I'm sorry you have also been in the position of TFMR-ing. I hope you are doing ok.

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