These
past few days mark the second and fourth anniversaries of my two tfmrs. The
first was on May 22 2009 and the second on 28 May 2011. This year I am not
feeling as bad as the first anniversary of my second tfmr. After that second
tfmr, I pretty much cried at some point every day for the next year and a bit.
The first anniversary was an important watershed moment. Since that time I've
found out I'm a de novo balanced translocation carrier, had two unsuccessful
rounds of ivf/Pgd and am now taking anti-depressants to stop myself spiralling
into the worst of my depressive episodes. Myself and DH are currently having
joint fertility counselling at the ivf hospital. DH wants to carry on with the
ivf, believing we have a good chance of success, while I've had enough, and in
a much more negative frame of mind about our chances. Basically I don't think
they are good. I realise I'm a pretty glass-half full person anyway, and he's
the opposite, but I just don't want more injections, scans, poking and
prodding. Plus he refuses to go anywhere near me 'naturally' which I realise is
understandable but still upsetting. DH is quite clear that a future without
children is not acceptable to him. I am more sanguine about it. I have thought
about egg donation and adoption, and I'm not there yet. I don't know what I
want. I think what I need is a good, long period of psychological stability and
I may slowly revert back to a semblance of my old self.
It sounds like you and your husband are in such a difficult place. I hope that you settle on something that you can both live with.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
My IVF doctor has also suggested we see a counselor before proceeding. We haven't done it yet, I know we should. We are also getting a second opinion from another doctor. There are some days when I am ready to do IVF and PGD as many times as possible until it works. But in the midst of a cycle, it is so harrowing physically, emotionally, and financially, that I don't think I can do it again.
ReplyDeleteI'm 5 days into the Gonal-F phase of IVF. I googled an image of follicle development and stumbled across your blog. I've read every post. I can't relate or even try to. I'm 36 and having 1st cycle of IVF following a mis/c, surgery on my women's bits and 3-years of 0 pregnancies. I've got no idea whether I'll fall into the 30-whatever% of women my age who go on to have a live birth. It's hard to ignore the rather glaring 70% that don't. I'm not going to presume to judge the decisions you made - but I was just overwhelmed by how brave it was, how weak, how selfish, how selfless, and just so guttingly hard. There just seemed no right and no wrong in situations like that. Your blog has made your two wee boys real to me and they were lucky to have you as their Mum. I just wish you happiness in life - everyone deserves that. And I totally agree that all the fertile clueless SILs and MILs in the world can just feck right off! Andrea - Wellington, NZ
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