Just been having a look at the TFMR boards I read, and one of the posts really resonated with me. The poster has just broken up with her boyfriend after a TFMR, and she had this to say:
''I'm gutted it's pushed us apart. I just feel numb. I'm more devastated at everyone else's reaction. Everyone is rushing around, so worried about how I am. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN MY BABY DIED? Nobody wanted coffee then.''
That's so true. Is losing a baby, regardless of the circumstance, regarded by people as too serious to even 'go there' so they never mention it or do people really think that losing a baby is no big deal? Being of a pessimistic nature, I fear it's the latter.
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Podcast on Infertility
An interesting podcast about the cons & pros of living child free from Resolve, a US infertility support association:
http://resolve.streamguys.com/A%20Family%20of%20Two-Exploring%20the%20Option%20of%20Childfree%20Living%202-1.mp3
http://resolve.streamguys.com/A%20Family%20of%20Two-Exploring%20the%20Option%20of%20Childfree%20Living%202-1.mp3
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Babies & pregnant friends
There's a repeated theme in many of the infertility and baby loss forums I read, and that's about the discomfort, if not outright fear, about meeting pregnant friends or their new babies. Or being invited to baby showers; seeing scan pics and baby pics on Facebook.
What can be done about it? Before entering the world of infertility/baby loss, people probably didn't have a problem with this at all. But tumbling into the desperate hole that is infertility, changes how you exprience everyone else's good fortune: if infertility is like breaking a leg, then each time you hear about other people's 'good news' is like getting your leg broken, again and again. It becomes ever-harder to heal as you go back to square one each time.
If you are in this boat, what can you do? If you are at the beginning of this journey, then you are normally still able to psyche yourself up, take a deep breath, and slap that happy face on, faking happiness & interest for the required amount of time. As your journey progresses, this may become harder to achieve. And then you've got to decide if you are going to decline meetings the direct way or the indirect way. The indirect way means 'things come up' at inconvenient times and 'you're terribly sorry, but you just can't make it'. The more direct, honest way, is to simply say that you are having a hard time dealing with your struggle to have a family, and that seeing babies or pregnant women is very upsetting for you, bordering on a phobia. You say that you hope one day she will understand, and that your reaction is sadly very common for people dealing with your situation.
At different points in the past five years I have tried all three approaches, but these days I find it easier to stick with people who don't have kids and are very unlikely (for various reasons) to have them. My life has changed drastically in the years we've been ttc, and my friendship base has totally changed. I guess it's to be expected when the lives of the people you're closest to go in a completely different direction, but it's still hard to live with.
What can be done about it? Before entering the world of infertility/baby loss, people probably didn't have a problem with this at all. But tumbling into the desperate hole that is infertility, changes how you exprience everyone else's good fortune: if infertility is like breaking a leg, then each time you hear about other people's 'good news' is like getting your leg broken, again and again. It becomes ever-harder to heal as you go back to square one each time.
If you are in this boat, what can you do? If you are at the beginning of this journey, then you are normally still able to psyche yourself up, take a deep breath, and slap that happy face on, faking happiness & interest for the required amount of time. As your journey progresses, this may become harder to achieve. And then you've got to decide if you are going to decline meetings the direct way or the indirect way. The indirect way means 'things come up' at inconvenient times and 'you're terribly sorry, but you just can't make it'. The more direct, honest way, is to simply say that you are having a hard time dealing with your struggle to have a family, and that seeing babies or pregnant women is very upsetting for you, bordering on a phobia. You say that you hope one day she will understand, and that your reaction is sadly very common for people dealing with your situation.
At different points in the past five years I have tried all three approaches, but these days I find it easier to stick with people who don't have kids and are very unlikely (for various reasons) to have them. My life has changed drastically in the years we've been ttc, and my friendship base has totally changed. I guess it's to be expected when the lives of the people you're closest to go in a completely different direction, but it's still hard to live with.
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