PGD 3 - Results

Unfortunately both embies were 'unsuitable for transfer', which again means that they were both unbalanced. Trying not to be gutted, but am. Just very, very sad.

Still hanging in there...

The eggs have survived so far and have both fertilised! They get biopsied on Thursday. Fingers & toes crossed...

All four were unbalanced

Just had the confirmation I wanted: all four embryos were unbalanced.

Snake

Looks like I spoke too soon. We've just been kicked down a snake again. Of our four embryos, 'none are suitable for transfer.' I don't know if that's because they were all unbalanced or whether some did not survive the biopsy or whatever, because the guy telling me this news did not have any of that information. So I'm very hacked off. In addition, our 'follow up appointment' is not for another four weeks. Four weeks wait to get more information. It can't change what's happened, but it would be nice to know the details. This whole thing has been another spectacular waste of time... and of hope.

Hope

An odd, unfamiliar feeling has come over me over the past couple of days, especially since yesterday. It's a feeling of lightness, replacing what I realise is a persistent heaviness. I think it's hope. We haven't been kicked down yet another snake yet; we are still hanging on to a rung on the ladder. As of yesterday, we still had four embryos. They'd survived since Saturday and today we'll find out if any of them are free of this unbalanced translocation. I realise that I've actually hated being alive these past three years. I know it is utterly ludicrous compared to people living with chronic or terminal illnesses, but I have actually hated being conscious this whole, entire time. My mind has not been able to stop thinking about our situation. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, that's the dominate thought running through my brain. Every other activity offers only temporary distraction. You know it's got to be bad when you actually look forward, as I did on Friday, to the oblivion of a general anaesthetic. For half an hour or so my poor, exhausted brain was completely switched off, getting a much-needed rest from the never-ending battering of its own thoughts.

Embryos

They rang us this morning, and out of our nine eggs, five were mature and of these five, four fertilised. So we have four embryos. Let's hope they last till Monday when they will be tested for this BT.

Eggs collected

The egg collection happened this morning, and they got nine. We'll find out by the end of Tuesday whether we have any embryos suitable to transfer.

Olympics - a welcome distraction

For anyone living under a rock these past few months, yes, the Olympics are here and they've finally started. And for anyone living in London who somehow wasn't aware, every square inch of space seems to have been taken up by bright fushia flags proclaiming 'London 2012', meaning that there is absolutely no escape! 

But the whole thing is proving to be a welcome distraction from this IVF, which was fine at first but now feels like it's getting more tricky. Since I have PCOS, I'm reacting pretty strongly to the Gonal F injections I've been taking since last weekend, and the follicles on my ovaries look like an accident in a popcorn factory... This shot is very similar to what they look like: 

The reaction is so strong, that after four days on 150iu of Gonal F a night, they cut it in half to 75iu for two days, then told me to stop entirely. I've had a blood test and a scan two days in a row now, and at first they thought they might do the egg collection in two days time, but I guess they want to give it a bit more time for for more of the follicles to develop to sufficient size (I have 20+ of varying sizes on each ovary, yikes), so I've just given myself another 112.5iu of Gonal F tonight. At first I felt fine, as I have done since this whole thing started at the end of June, but now I'm getting lower back pain and I'm not being quite so blase about things. 

I'm back again at the hospital tomorrow morning for another blood test to see what should happen next. At this rate, they'll do the `egg collection' (what a lovely thought!) by the end of the week. 

Update

I thought I'd write a few words on what has happened since I last posted:

• my cousin has had her baby, a boy
• SIL1 has had No2, another boy
• SIL2 has had a m/c
• I have started IVF/PGD

I started the 'down regulation' at the beginning of the month, taking a nasal spray twice a day. On Friday I had a scan to see if it had worked, i.e. if my ovaries had been shut down. That showed that they had, and since I have PCOS, I had about 18 folicles on each ovary. So the scan was the green light to start the injections, and last night I had my first injection of 150iu of Gonal f, which will kick start my ovaries into producing eggs. I will inject once a day while still taking the nasal spray; then I will have a blood test on the Wednesday (25th) which will determine what happens next: if they need to alter my dose of Gonal F etc. Because of the PCOS, they will probably need to scan me every other day to make sure I am not overreacting to it, and risking ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Anyway, that's where I'm at. Hopefully not long to go now until we find out how it's going to go.

Approval for one round of IVF/PGD!

It's now been almost 10 months since we lost our last baby. I wanted to write down how I felt after this time. I drafted something but got sidetracked before I pressed 'send'. At the time, I was in a very bad way. But since, the clouds have cleared somewhat. This is down almost entirely to the fact that I got a call from the hospital where we are going to have our IVF/PGD, to be told that our PCT (district health authority), has approved us for funding for one round of the IVF/PGD. I could have dropped to my knees in gratitude. It felt, and still feels, like this is the one piece of positive news that's happened to us in the last four years. I've perked up significantly since. It may not be a light at the end of the tunnel, but it means we are finally moving through this seemingly never-ending tunnel.

So, what now?

So now the enemy has a name: an unbalanced chromosomal translocation. So what can be done? We have the following options: First up, `try again' and *hope* nature will be kinder this time and create a baby with either normal or balanced chromosomes. Because they know what the problem is, we can be given a CVS from 11wks, when they can check the chromosomes. However, and I'm sure you're ahead of me on this one, this means that if the test comes back and the chromosomes are unbalanced, we have the choice of letting nature take its course or bringing things to a premature end. Again. Right now, the thought of ending a pregnancy a third time is almost too much to bear. Because this thing can keep happening over and over, I could be faced with taking this decision countless times. Argh!!!

Already, I have to look in the mirror in the morning, and the person who looks back at me is a Woman Who Has Had Two Abortions. Who is she? I never thought in a million years I would say that about myself. I thought that as long as I was careful and in a stable relationship, then surely I would have minimised my chances of having an 'accident' and being faced with a choice I'd rather not make. But envisage what has actually happened to us over the past three years? Never, never, never.

It has to be said that trying again naturally is the hospital's preferred choice if we do want a family. I get the impression that as long as we get a diagnosis before 14 weeks, then I should be pleased because I can have an op and that's the end of it. Personally, the fact that it's an operation rather than labour & delivery gives me no comfort whatsoever. In fact I preferred to give birth to them both. At least we got to see them and to cuddle them. In fact I would go so far as to say I preferred having my last boy later, precisely because he had got to the stage where he had layed down some fat and looked a bit more like a baby. Our first baby was still very young gestationally and had quite delicate, transparent red skin. Anyway, I digress. Back to options. So to recap, we have `try again & test at 11wks'. On a glass half-full view, because it's chromosomal, we have a 50/50 chance of it not happening again, so yes, maybe nature will be kinder and give us an unaffected baby.

Secondly, we can try IVF with so-called pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). This is where they do standard IVF, but before they pop any embryos back inside you, they take a cell and test it for your particular genetic or chromosomal condition. Only embryos free of your particular genetic or chromosomal condition are put back, and hopefully the embryo will take and turn into a live, healthy baby. Cursory research indicates that while it can and does work, there are no guarantees. There are all the usual problems associated with IVF, and in some cases ALL of the embryos they manage to create are found to be affected, leaving none to transfer. Another factor is the cost. IVF with PGD in the UK costs around £10,000. Yes, 10k. And no, you don't get your money back if it doesn't work. Some people are able to get NHS funding for between one to three cycles, but not everyone is. And in these days of budget cuts, the NHS is slashing spending, right, left and centre, so I'm not positive we'd get funding for this one.

Thirdly, we can adopt.

We can also call it a day and give up, otherwise known as getting on with our lives. Finally. I do favour this one at the moment, I have to say. The past three years have been so exhausting and traumatic that to risk it continuing seems to be bordering on madness. If we go the natural route, I don't want to be faced with making a decision a third time. Just writing the sentence makes me want to vomit. It just seems like a really irresponsible thing to risk.

If we go the IVF route, I keep thinking of the worst-case scenario: don't want to reach 40, or whenever I hit the menopause, and to look on back on my life and realise that 1) we've done nothing but IVF for the past X years 2) we are now broke 3) we are barely talking to each other, 4) and to top it all we are still childless.

Oh well, I better hope that the worst-case scenario doesn't happen, as we've discussed it and we want to go down the IVF route. I'll keep you posted.