Impact of Baby Loss Poorly Appreciated, Part 1

In the same vein as the previous post, I thought I'd list all the other instances where my losses appear to count for nothing. I apologise in advance, as this is typical female-who-can't-let go-brings-stuff-up-ages-after-its-happened.

• We were in a restaurant with my in-laws, my husband, one of my brother in laws and his wife. She was pregnant with what became the Boy Wonder. She and my mother in law COULD NOT stop talking excitedly about the pregnancy. On and on they went. Both of them knew full well that I had lost two pregnancies at that point, but how I might feel about things didn't enter their minds. I couldn't actually concentrate on having a conversation I was so upset. My hands were trembling and I could only just about hold the cutlery. I felt two things 1) that I desperately wanted to vomit in the toilets, 2) like I wanted to walk out into the middle of the street, hoping that there was a suitably large, fast truck coming in my direction. But I sat there being English. When that awful dinner was finally over, I went home and just bawled my eyes out. But what I feel is wrong and I am being unreasonable.
• When my in-laws put pictures up in their house when the Boy Wonder was born. It absolutely broke my heart. Why wasn't it our baby they had pictures of instead? And as time has gone by they have put up pictures of all the other babies that have since been born into the family. I cannot bear to go round there anymore because of those pictures. In fact, when we stayed there for a week in June after our most recent loss (they'd gone on holiday) I took ALL the pictures down. I was SO relieved. :-)
• When Boy Wonder was born and my in-laws started buying all sorts of things for him. My heart kept breaking. Why wasn't it for us? Why did Boy Wonder get to live and be doted on and mine become a pile of ignored and forgotten ashes? Christmas was awful. I had to sit there as present after present was unwrapped for Boy Wonder. I don't think anyone noticed me disappearing to the toilet to cry.
• When it was announced that mother-in-law was now going to babysit him once a week while SIL went back to work. Why why why. I was heartbroken. I wanted to say, please, please don't. Please don't.
• At the wedding of my other brother-in-law, eight weeks after the loss of our third baby. Remember that both my mother-in-law and father-in-law did see this baby. I arrived at the church and saw my mother-in-law and chatted with her. Saint sister-in-law arrived with the Boy Wonder (he was the only baby/child allowed to the wedding) and a welcome party of doting maiden aunts crowded round them. My mother-in-law instantly forgot I was there, turned on her heels crying out 'oh my sweet little boy'. Reader, I am sorry to say, but from that moment I truly hated her.
• Still at the wedding, filing into the church: I overhear sister-in-law point to BW and say 'Look what happened since we got married!!'. I would have quite happily murdered the both of them there and then. But my only weapon was a handbag, which was hardly deadly. So I sat down and tried to keep smiling even though there were tears in my eyes.
• Wedding reception: Out of 10-odd tables, yes, you've guessed it, I'm on the same table with SIL & BW, right in front of them. Sister-in-law CANNOT stop showing him off. He is the only baby allowed at this event, and she is going to milk this to the maximum. I spend as little time possible sat at that table, and when the meal is over, I spend most of the rest of the wedding crying under a tree. I'm not aware of anyone wondering where I am.
• Later at the wedding: I sign the guest book, a record of congratulations for the newly married couple. I flick through the other entries, and come across one signed by my husband's younger cousin and his wife who were also sitting at our table. It's signed from them, their baby daughter and 'peanut'. So she is expecting No2. I twig that everyone in the family must know about this and they are too afraid to tell me. Feel pleased.
• Some weeks later, myself & mother-in-law go out for coffee. We do touch on the subject of my loss and i say I am still seeing the bereavement midwife/counsellor about this (At one stage i was seeing her weekly, I was that bad). She seems genuinely baffled and implies that talking to my friends should be enough. The place we are at is packed with babies and toddlers and I've done my best to zone them out. But she helpfully points out one particularly cute newborn to me. I guess he'd be as old as our baby if he'd been born at term. It's at that point I really realised that she genuinely has no clue as to how much I find that upsetting, or indeed that I would find it upsetting on any level. I should have said there and then that I thought it insensitive, but the moment passes.

Now I wish none of those things had bothered me, but they do. I totally understand if you think I'm being childish and/or bitter, and I'd agree with you. I think the strongest feeling that comes out most from the above is the sheer strength of my jealousy. I wish those events hadn't felt like they were stabbing me in the heart and that I was more grown-up about it, but this isn't how things are panning out.