Sad again

Sometimes I feel like I'm a human tent post, being repeatedly hammered into the ground. The feeling of relief, boardering on elation that i felt after the end of our IVF treatment has not lasted. What is it this time? DH has just told me that SIL2 is expecting. I knew this would be coming after her m/c earlier this year, so why do I feel such desolation?

It's our turn to spend Christmas with DH's family and already there will be five under thrrees, and SIL2 will be obviously imminent and i wouldnt be surprised if somebody else will be expecting 'happy news' by then too. It's very hard at the best of times dealing with small babies and pg women, so how will i handle next week's Christening, let alone Christmas. I've never dreaded Christmas until we started having our fertility issues and other people started having babies, but the pain involved in having to tolerate it all is heartbreaking. When will I stop feeling like this???

Woman loses all seven of her children

Recently in the UK, there has been debate about IVF babies potentially having 'three parents' - it's a new technique primarily intended to combat problems with mitochondria, part of the female egg structure. The woman mentioned in the link below has lost seven - seven!! - babies/children to this condition. How on earth did she get through it??????? Twice has been more than plenty for me.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19648992

Livid

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. DH had told me a few days ago that his second brother and my sister in law would be having a christening for baby no2. Today BIL popped the invite through our door (i guess he didnt have the guts to knock and come in). I plucked up the courage to look at the invite. It was a big square picture of the new baby. Then I made the mistake of turning the invite. There, they'd listed the names of the godparents to be. SIL2 has been picked as the godmother!!! At this point I went nuclear with rage. I had been wondering this whole time whether their behaviour these past few years has just been thoughtless or have they been purposefully cruel. I had always wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. But now I'm pretty sure what camp they are in.

End of a journey

I have to say that my one, overriding feeling since the end of our IVF treatment is one of relief. Relief that for the first time in four/five years we are not: trying to get pg/being pg and worried as hell/getting a devastating diagnosis/living with the aftermath of loss/waiting for IVF/going through IVF. Really, pretty much every moment of every day during these past few years has been dominated by one or more of those things. I feel relief that I've finally reached a point where I can do and plan things that are nice for a change. It feels like I've been let out of a prison. At the moment, I really don't feel like I want to have a baby at any cost. So far, the cost in emotional terms has been too high. Neither am I so hell-bent on having child that I am willing to put myself through IVF cycle after IVF cycle regardless of the financial and psychological cost. I would go as far as to say that I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing. I firmly believe I can still have a perfectly nice life without a child and I don't want to spend another five years being as emotionally crushed as I have been so far. I have longed for freedom, and now I have it.