Latest

I guess it's been an up-and-down few months (when is it not?!). So, the last time I'd posted, we'd gone along to a Donor Conception Network weekend in May for couples thinking about going the egg or sperm donor route; that was after going through our third TFMR in March.

After that, we went to a few London clinics, before deciding that we liked one, and we asked to go on their egg donor waiting list. We went it at number 56! So in an attempt to speed things up, we also enlisted the help of an agency, Altrui. I am delighted to say that they came through for us, having found a lady who is a good physical match for me and amazingly, is willing to go through IVF on our behalf. I do have to say I find it amazing that another person is prepared to go through all the that IVF entails for someone they don't know.

What I do know about her is that she is in her early twenties, married and already has one child. We got her profile and her personal statement said that she really wanted to help people who can't have children; that her heart seemed to be in such the right place really swung it for me. I really want someone who is doing from the heart, rather than because the money (which isn't much) will be handy. If it succeeds and we have a child, and they want to track her down in the future, I really want them to be able to know from her that she did it because she's an amazingly generous person. And I do think she is. Hurrah - thank you to any existing or prospective egg donors reading this, your gift is astonishing! With any luck, we will start a cycle in January. I'll keep you posted.

The faces of a heart-breaking choice

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/06/face-heartbreaking-choice/

'Disabled & Broody - an impossible choice'

There's only three days left to listen to this, but this is a BBC Radio programme discussing people with disabilities and the choices they make whether or not to have children, including via PGD. Do listen if you get a moment:http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b043x48s

Donor Conception Network

Last weekend, hubby and I went to a weekend workshop organised by the Donor Conception Network. It was really good and I definitely recommend it to anyone thinking about going the donor route. What I wanted to get out of the weekend is what donor children think about themselves as they grow up - are they angry with their parents for essentially depriving them of half their genetic parentage? Do they consider their mother to be their real mother? By the end of it I got a much better idea of what it might be like to go down the donor route and the essential point that children seem to deal with it much better if they are told from a young age, rather than being 'surprised' at a later stage.

There were three facilitators, who all had gone down the donor route for different reasons. It was good to speak to them about their experiences and good to speak to other couples who were in a similar situation to DH and I (the first time I have met anyone in the same boat, tbh). It was quite an emotionally 'heavy' weekend and by the end of the workshop I was exhausted, as the issues raised are very serious ones and ones that will have profound consequences. But all the people on the course were really nice, and we may even have made a few friends, and most importantly, what I learnt allayed a lot of my concerns about going for a donor.  

Fertility Focus Teleconference

Haven't taken part in this before, but if anyone is interested, this is a series of teleconferences discussing different aspects surrounding infertility. I hope it helps people:

http://www.fertilityfocustelesummit.com

Nature is too cruel - yet another example

So this morning I hear on the radio that three children have been found dead at a house in a town not too far from me. As the day goes on, the story evolves, and so far we know that the mother has been arrested in relation to their deaths. They were a family of four children, the three youngest (including twin boys) all suffered from 'spinal muscular atrophy', a defect of the SMA1 gene on the 5th chromosome. Her and her husband found out that they were carriers of SMA while she was pregnant with the twins when one of their daughters was diagnosed. I can only imagine what it must have been like to be told that your child has a disorder that is going to kill her, that you and your husband are the cause of it, and that your twin sons are going to face the same fate. From imagining a happy, hectic family life as a family of four children, they were then faced with life as a family with three disabled and dying children. The blow must have been enormous, and (almost) unimaginable. I wonder if they sought or were offered any psycological support?


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2610940/Woman-arrested-murder-3-children-New-Malden-south-London.html

Mother's Day, Egg Donation and After Tiller

It seems fitting to post on Mother's Day. When you're not a mother and want to be, the whole day is a bit of a downer. I saw my own mother, but stayed well away from the BILs and SILs, principally because they are so unbearably smug, at least to me. 

Anyway, on Thursday DH & I went to a clinic in London that is one of two clinics setting up an 'egg bank'. While I'm told they are still some way off from actually having a reserve of frozen eggs on tap, they did say that the HFEA's increased payments to potential egg donors means that a lot more women are now willing to donate, and that they no longer have a waiting list. I think we are still keen on trying the UK first, simply because it's easier in terms of travelling and secondly that at least the child has the option of being able to trace their genetic mother when they are 18. However, it does seem extraordinarily expensive. It's going to be much more expensive than PGD. The basic cost, at least with this clinic, is £8,800, and by the sounds of it you can easily end up spending £12/15k on just one cycle, depending on all the 'extras' you may need. Gulp. 

In terms of a match, I would rather have a lady who looks like me as much as possible, but you really are in their hands in terms of who they ultimately pick. In terms of timing, because I am still recovering from TFMR No3 (I can't believe I typed those words) , I need to wait at least two periods before starting anything, which sounds sensible. Given my irregular cycles, this probably means that we are looking at June before starting anything. So that will be half of 2014 gone already, and we will still be no closer to having a family than when we started in 2007. Ho hum. 

On another note, I watched After Tiller the other day. If you haven't heard of it, it's a documentary about the doctors in the US who carry out late pregnancy terminations. Because of the ire that abortion causes in the US, there are only four doctors who carry out the procedure in the whole country. It's very, very odd for me to think that a subject as deeply controversial as a late-term abortion is now part of my own personal experience. Before I was just a spectator - it was a topic that had nothing to do with me but I could pass an opinion - but today it's a topic that effectively defines me. It's a big part of the reason why this blog is anonymous - would it be safe for me to known? It's probably not worth the risk. 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/after-tiller/id796532325

The baby was UBT

I got a call from the genetics team. The analysis of our baby's chromosomes did show that they were unbalanced. I forgot to ask if it was a boy or a girl. I haven't cried at all since the scan, but the past couple of days have been very hard, as if I am wading through syrup. Work has been totally unproductive and it is glaringly noticeable among my colleagues, I'm sure. Yesterday I rang one of London's leading clinics ( read expensive) to enquire about egg donation. I have an appointment next Thursday afternoon. Our options for egg donation seem to be a) go via a clinic and hope you can take part in an egg share b) go via an agency to find an altruistic donor and c) go abroad, typically to Spain or Cyprus. I'm going to try the clinic route first and see what they say. I'd rather, if we go the donor route, stay in the UK, as then any child would be able to trace their genetic mother at the age of 18. Going anywhere else in Europe would mean that the child would never be able to find out about its mother, as donation is totally anonymous. I was reading through the posts on http://anonymousus.org, and basically it's lots of donor children who are extremely hacked off at having coming into the world this way. So I wouldn't go the anonymous route lightly, if at all. Anyway, it's all theory for now - I'll update next on what this clinic say (£180 later).

The inevitable news

Prior to having the scan and CVS, these were my fears: 1) I was frightened that the baby would already have abnormalities that would make a CVS redundant, 2) I was frightened that the baby might already be dead 3) that I wasn't pregnant at all and the whole thing had been my imagination. Apart from absent periods, I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms - nausea etc - although this is just like my previous pregnancies. 

We were both hoping that the baby would look normal for that stage of the pregnancy and that we'd go into the CVS with some hope. 

However, it has not turned out to be. I am currently 11wks and have just returned from the hospital. The baby is covered in hydrops/oedema (it's like a halo around him/her and the nuchal is 6mm. Our poor little baby. We went ahead with the CVS anyway, but knowing full well what the results are going to show. We know there's no hope, and we've already told the hospital of our decision. I should be scheduled in for Tuesday or Wenesday. 

Sorry to give you all this bad news. I rolled the dice, played with the fire and got burnt. 

I promised DH from the outset that I wouldn't be the mess I was after the first two times and I don't think I will be. I'm going to take the whole of next week off work or see if I can work from home for when necessary. Then our next decision is whether to tell our families. Apart from me, DH and you, my online friends, no-one knows about this pg. I may tell my sis and test the water about telling my parents. Who knows, we will take our time deciding. Anyway, that's it for now. 

Yikes!

My next post was meant to be about the start of the post Christmas/New Year diet - I'm jumping on the 5:2 Fast Diet wagon.  Having gained another birthday (37) and an extra stone, I thought I should at least attempt to lose the latter ahead of any fourth attempt at IVF/PGD or egg donation cycle. But then I was waiting for AF to turn up. It's never regular: 33-46 days is normal. But after our last PGD cycle in October, my first period was on December 12 (I remember it clearly since it was the evening of the office party), and then there had been nothing since, taking me up to 46 days, the outer edges for what is normal even for me. So I did a test, and as you can see, we have a BFP. Now I know the chances of this ending in tears is very high. This time, I have gone into it with my eyes open. If it goes wrong again, I will NOT be the mess I was the last time. On my own head be it. I will go to my local early pregnancy unit on Saturday morning and get dated. Then I will ask to get booked in for a CVS at the earliest opportunity, assuming I don't miscarry before then of course. The roller-coaster begins again...